Forever

My goodness I feel like it's been a year since I've blogged.. I just don't have time in all honesty. When I do I sleep instead, have me time, or chill with friends.

What's new...
Well.. a lot. Not even kidding. It's kind of crazy how much changes and happens in 7 months.
My dad is happily married, which honestly I didn't know would happen again this soon. She was our next door neighbor before, and she pursued him. Reminds me of a romance book or movie. haha. It's cute though. I'm really happy for them. I love her so much. She's more than what I could ask for in stepmom. Most people don't seem to get that lucky if their parents remarry. They were married on January 28th.. wedding theme: Baseball. Yes. No lie. My stepmom didn't even really want a wedding, or a ring. My dad did. So they went with something simple and different. She wore a Cardinals Jersey, and my Dad, a Cubs Jersey. They both wore their teams hats also. It stunk cause their rings weren't in yet for the wedding.. so they bought these cute little fake rings haha. They also traded the hats when they traded the rings. It was a cute wedding even though it wasn't a typical one. I can not wait until the day I get married... I used to think I would never be blessed with that opportunity, but I'm having a bit more faith with that than usual. It's exciting just thinking about. Marriage is a beautiful thing. <3

I know I said a lot of other stuff happened within 7 months, but it's just too much to put on here or even remember in the right order with out jumbling everything. Plus there are certain things I really don't want to share with many people.

I'm actually in my newspaper class right now, and the bell is about ring, so... adios(:

Overwhelmed.

Yeah, I think that word does a pretty great job of describing how I have been feeling this ENTIRE week. I know my last post was pretty much me complaining, and I guess this one will sorta be the same. Oh well. I need to vent. I'd rather do it on here where I feel like I'm talking to myself than annoy anyone with my problems. haha.

A lot has changed lately. Well I feel like a lot has. I had a nanny if I didn't say before, because my dad is a truck driver. Long story short, She moved out. I think it was Saturday. I won't go into all the personal details about that though since she moved out unexpectedly. Everyone was planning for it to be in October, but things happen. I can actually say I am SO HAPPY she did move out, because I have my life back, and my home. You think that after almost 3 years of having a nanny I'd get over the feeling of just wanting my dad, my brother, and I in the house alone.. but I didn't. So here are my feelings, I'm extremely happy things are back to "normal" but yet I am really stressed, confused, and overwhelmed by that big sudden change. Practically every room in my house looks different now. I think I feel like this is because my dad is starting his new job soon also, and then school is Thursday and all of this is happening at the SAME time. (I feel like I may just start rambling at not make any sense so stop reading where ever you want.) Here is something selfish of me also, I am worried I won't be able to use the car for school. My dad said I won't for like the first week and a half because I forgot to pay the insurance one day for him while he was gone and I'm not on it right now. I understand that, it just totally sucks. So I'm like ok, that's cool... but now I don't know if I will be able to use it when he starts his new job... and I know this may sound ridiculous but I refuse to ride the bus this year. You haven't been on my bus so of course you wouldn't understand. If you have, you would refuse to ride it also. Hopefully my aunt will take me to school the days my dad can't, or the days I can't use the car also. With my dads new job it's awesome because he will be home, but his work schedule is so confusing. I think it's like 2 days working nights, then 2 days off, then 2 days where he works nights again? Something like that. Oh and guess what I remembered? I start my job next week! It's awesome yet scary and also it's making me nervous because I have school and a job to worry about. I feel like this year will be an awesome year for me I just have to stop getting stressed about every single thing. Especially before something even happens! I'm bad about that. :/ I need to find something to do that calms me when i start freaking out about things.Counting to ten and taking a deep breath doesn't work. haha(: Well I should start blogging more because just after typing this monster I feel a whole lot better already. A big weight lifted off of me. It's just hard sometimes finding the time to do it, and when I have the time I don't feel like doing it. :P I think I'm going to be done for today because it's getting pretty long and I'm starting to ramble, well I think I am.

Oh guess what? This is my last FULL day of summer. Tomorrow I have to go to sleep early (which I don't see how that is going to work out :S) I tried doing that last night and it wasn't working. School starting is definitely bittersweet.

Here is my schedule too. I can't believe I'm a junior already!! It seems like just yesterday I a freshman! It's crazy! Yet super exciting! (:

1. Algebra II
2. Keyboard/Form
3. AP Biology
4. Rec Activities (I'm getting Ceramics II switched here hopefully, I don't want to forget everything I have learned!)
5. American History
6. Newspaper
7. English III
8. Psychology
I'm excited for all my classes. Just kind of stressed about Newspaper, AP Bio, and Psychology. :/ Yes, already. I know. It's crazy and stupid. I'm working on it though. I'll take all the prayer I can get ;) forreal (: haha.

Oh also when I find some time I will try to blog about my summer a little, not too exciting though :P

Already?!

I know I know, this is pretty ridiculous. I'm already stressing about school. I was just thinking early about all the stuff I am going to be responsible for, and the classes I'm taking. At first I thought I only had Psychology to worry about... nope. I remembered I have yearbook, (a job soon hopefully), AP Bio (which I heard wasn't that hard but you never know), and a junior paper, oh and I might join T.A.T..U (teens against tobacco use, a club at our school)... I think there is something I'm forgetting.. hmm. Anyways.. I know I shouldn't be worrying.. I should be giving this to God, I know, and I'm working on it. It's just hard. I know I can do all of these things, well I think I can... but I get so overwhelmed I just freak out and don't know how to function. :S It's weird. Instead of working my butt off even harder when I feel like I can't do something, I just stop. Give up. It's not healthy, especially when I get into the "real world". Please just keep me in your prayers. When school starts I am seriously going to have to set myself a schedule for everything, and then squeeze in time for other things. I know plenty of teenagers juggle these things all the time, but I'm not one that's used to it. Sorry for the bad punctuation.. I could really careless when I'm writing in my blog.


I'm done for now.... I just had to vent about all of this!! Oh and I have my 2nd interview at McAlister's on Monday!! I'm so excited! :D They do 3 interviews to "pick out the bad seeds." haha I think that is actually a good idea, it just seems to take awhile! It's worth it though!

Forever/Update on my life

I definitely don't feel accomplished. I haven't blogged in almost 3 months. :O 3 MONTHS?!
Well, It's not like I have anything to blog about anyways.. summer has been really good so far. I've been to the zoo, and babysat. That's pretty much the biggest things that have happened so far. Exciting right? Not. haha I have been to the water park a lot... like way too much. haha! I finally look darker though! Not as dark as I'd like, but I'd rather not get skin cancer! We are hopefully going to Six Flags before the summer is up, or maybe some water park in Eddyville.(sp?) Not for sure yet though! I am actually thinking of a lot of things I could blog about right now, but I don't know how to bring them up... hmm.. maybe I just will write a list. haha

• My cousin got in a bad accident. (Bike accident) She's 13. She was riding her bike like about a week and a half ago (if that) and she was wearing flip flops. She some how fell and her foot got caught in her spokes or whatever and they put a huge gash on the ball of her foot. Almost can see the muscle! :( I feel so bad for her! She is in pain sometimes, and she's on crutches, she probably can't go to six flags this year, she is now in the house all the time, and she has to miss out on her basketball and cheer leading! She is definitely one tough girl though and taking it all so well! I just pray she has quick healing! 
• I have been job hunting. So far I have applied to AT LEAST 10 places, but I have about 30 written down on a piece of paper. Ha! I really hope I get a job! This is so stressful! Please pray that I do! (:
• Rose, this little girl that is basically my sister, had a karate tournament like a week ago! She got first place in katas and sparring! I'm so proud of her! It was really fun watching her compete! I know this isn't important, but there were quite a few good looking guys there too! hehe!
• My dog has tape worms! Agghhhhh, it's so sad! Especially because I don't want to be around her really! She has an appointment though at the vet today! yay! Last night I didn't want her sleeping with me because she has worms so we borrowed a big cage for her to be in from my Aunt... I keep her in it most of the day too but give her breaks because I suuurrre don't want worms anywhere. EW! :/
• Last.... I'm going into 11th grade. Guess what? I'm already getting freaked out. I really hope I can handle this year a lot better than last and keep my stress level under control! School just sometimes feels so unbearable! I'm especially getting worked up because I plan on having a job also!
• Justin Bieber. I STILL LOVE HIM. <3 I am hoping to get his AMAZING Someday perfume here soooon! I absolutely adore the smell, and the lotion of it is sparkly! How great is that?! Extremely Great. (: Also the Never Say Never Director's Fan Cut is coming out on DVD soon! I can't wait to get that either! I love being a belieber! *sigh*

I think I covered pretty much everything for now! It feels so good to blog after such a long time! (:

p.s IT'S ABOUT 2 MONTHS UNTIL I'M 17! I'm getting older so quick! :O

Guess what? Quotes. &Pictures.

It was the sort of beauty you feel so deeply it becomes contagious and somehow makes you feel beautiful too.

 

For now we are young, let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see

 

"The suns always up somewhere", she said.
"And even a broken clocks right twice a day." 

 

 

  And everything you were ever restless about, anything that had ever given you angst is quieted to stillness.

It was one of those uncommon moments. Those times when you don't wish for something else. For even one thing to be different. When you have no other needs and no worriers. Where your insides are calm.

Sometimes I think that we waste our words,
we waste our moments and we don't take the time
to say the things that are in our hearts
when we have the chance.

Every so often I can hardly remember the sound of your voice or the awkward rhythm in your walk, I'm losing you all over again

Memories are silent things.

be thin. get straight a's. play a sport and be good at it. have a job. get into a good college. have a social life. have a boyfriend. the list is endless. screw being perfect. who created this standard for what the perfect teenage girl is supposed to be like? i don't know. but someone has got to end it. so starting now, be what you want. be anything but perfect because perfect cannot be achieved and doesn't exist. 

because sometimes people do actually feel that way. sometimes your life feels like its caving in on you. sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. saying "i don't want to exist" isn't saying "i want to go die". it's saying "i wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel". i don't think there's anything wrong with that. and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

i needed to know that i meant something, anything to you. but what i got was nothing, absolutely nothing. and it's funny the things you realize when someone walks away. at first you feel as though it's your fault. feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. and then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. that it's his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn't ever care. you live and you learn, that's how it is.

i can't promise to always be there. and i can't promise to be your happiness. but i can promise to take care of you. and i can promise to be all that i can be. and i can promise that i'll try my best.

i'm gonna smile more than i should and laugh more than i knew i could. and when they ask me why, i'll tell them that i don't wanna die dead.

it's amazing. people grow so used to the dark, they start to like it. the curtains blocking out the light are comforting to them. the dark makes them happy. but really it's just an illusion. when the curtains are gone, and everything's light, you see things you never even knew where there, and you really start to appreciate them. of course, they were there before, but you never took the time to look.

we go to school every day. we learn pointless things, but we are never taught how to love ourselves. we aren't taught how to make moments last. but i think the most unfair thing, is that at the end of high school, we are tested on something that we were never taught. we have to stand in front of each other and say goodbye.

there's no such thing as a grown up. we move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own, but the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. we get bigger, we get taller, we get older, but for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying desperately to fit in.

-grey's anatomy

so now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.

-p.s. i love you

it doesn't matter anymore; i guess things happen for a reason. tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how it's supposed to be. moving on is a process and you have to promise yourself that you're really ready to let go.

wow, this definitely had a mixture of emotions in it...oh well! haha (: